Summer has arrived and you know what that means! The beaches and lakes are open, the smell of hot dogs are in the air, campsites are filling up with excited campers, and the slasher killers are in business again! It’s been a long, cold winter, but they’re back to knock off campers and counselors alike as they trespass into their territories with hopes of late night keggers, lighting up some weed, and having outdoor sex. Little do they know who waits for them in the shadows!
As an up and coming slasher killer you may wonder why this category of killers are so successful; well that’s because they have attended Slasher Camp, of course! Slasher Camp is an eight week course held over the inactive winter months to teach young potential horror killers, like yourself, how to hone their techniques and skills just right for that perfect summer camp massacre experience. It only happens once a year, so you better be ready, and you better make it a good one.
A simple blunder, such as thinking running is your best option instead of a steady stalk can result in tripping over tree roots. This mistake would give your prey ample opportunity to hop in their car and motor out of there. Wait, their car was working?! You didn’t disconnect their car battery or slash their tires?! *sighs* This is why you need to attend this camp my young and adorably ignorant slasher killer in training.
That reminds me, this brings up another important point; pace yourself! Your prey will surely run from you, and many of them are not built for running long distances. Endurance is not the style of your typical frat boy or college stoner, and certainly not for the bimbo variety. Most will also inevitably trip, fall, and sprain their ankle or hurt their leg. It sounds cliché, but in this case slow and steady wins the race. However, for those of you who have longer legs you can stalk at a relatively stronger pace and easily be able to stay in the vicinity of your victim until they tire themselves out and attempt to take shelter behind a tree. A tree! *laughs* How cute.
Alright, so let’s get into some of the specifics you will learn at Slasher Camp. Lesson one; you are in total control of setting the mood for the camper’s… experience. You first play with your victims, viewing them from a distance and observing how many there are. This also gives you time to see what their personalities are like because that can determine who is killed first. At the same time it gives them that uneasy feeling of being watched which is a very important mood setter. You never want your prey to feel safe. Tap on windows, or leave “gifts” such as deceased animals around their campsite. These things really get the hair to standing up on the back of their neck. The point is, you want to slowly build the tension. No need to rush things, savor the moment, you only have this one opportunity each year so make it special.
Lesson two, before you reveal yourself to your victims you want to make them split up if they don’t eventually do this, which many do on their own anyway. Don’t ask me why. One way to do this is to cut the power to their cabin. Only one or two of them will go outside to investigate. This allows you to pick them off outside of the cabin and hide their bodies for staging at a later time; we’ll get to staging later.
Another great way to get them to wander off from the group is to make “strange noises” for them to investigate. They don’t investigate in groups of more than two or three, and even then that’s rare. Usually one strays from the group and gives you the chance to separate him or her from the group for good. Just make sure you’re quiet about it. No need to alert the others with their screams. Their silent and sudden absence will draw more out to investigate one by one, like cattle to the slaughter.
Lesson three, always make an entrance. Not every boogeyman’s entrance has to be the same, that’s the beauty of being a slasher killer! Mix it up from those who have paved the way before you. When you finally do make your big reveal you want it to be dramatic and memorable. Remember, you only get one chance to make a first impression. This is where our “door kicking” class comes into play. Some of you will find this easier than others. However, there are other ways to go if you are more brain than brawn. Lurking up behind them until they turn and smack right into you is also a classic choice, but you have to be stealthy and light on your feet. No stepping on twigs or crunchy leafs.
Speaking of first impressions, lesson four, at Slasher Camp you want to put a lot of thought into how you want to look because this won’t change… ever. Unless you have a burlap sack over your head and then find an upgrade that is much scarier, then by all means change. Please change. This will be your signature style and it will be built into the lore people tell about you for years and years, you don’t want to be known as ‘sack head’ generation after generation.
A hockey mask, a dirty red and green sweater, a William Shatner mask painted white, these are all iconic images associated with one killer and one killer only. You can pay homage to a look but DO NOT COPY! This is a cardinal rule for slasher killers. What will your look be? Discover your own look in our ‘Mask Making and Wardrobe’ class!
As a disclaimer: the black leather jacket wearing, power drill carrying songbird was not a student of mine, I take no responsibility for him.
This brings us to lesson five; just as important as your look is your weapon. Some slasher killers who have come before you have chosen just one weapon, others have their go-to weapon of choice and then improvise when they get the itch to be creative. Other times some just use their hands and brute force.
If you’re going to be a one weapon type of slasher killer you need to determine that early on. It’s a risky choice to make because if you get separated from that implement you are left powerless. However, if you are able to keep it by your side it will be a device that is as feared as you are. It will become part of you and build upon your identity, and that is something that can make a slasher killer a true success.
Lesson six; once you have successfully chosen a weapon, or weapons depending on your style, our “Kill Zone” class will be of great use to you! Practice on our analog dummies we call “Vic” or “Vicky,” short for “victim” of course… we’re so clever here at Slasher Camp. I can’t stress the importance of this class enough. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had graduates go out into the field and miss their prey because they thought instinct was all they needed. Like anything in life you need to practice.
Now we get to lesson seven at Slasher Camp, staging. Not all slasher killers decide to do this, but those who do are truly masters of their craft, and they do it very well. What you want to do is collect your prey and gather them in a spot your last victim standing, usually a female, will not easily find them. You can then take a little time to pose them; maybe at a dinner table or around an old cabin in various positions.
Then, when the final girl is the only one left you herd her there, stalking slowly behind her and making sure she is heading in the right direction. All the while your motives are unbeknownst to her, and when she finally does find that location she thinks it’s a safe haven. However, when she goes inside and tries to turn on the lights or feels around for a weapon she then discovers the deceased bodies of her friends! It should give her the final scare to weaken her will to survive and you move in for the kill.
Unfortunately this may backfire, and this is how it’s been for even our most successful graduates with titles in our Body Count Hall of Fame. Sometimes the feeling of defeat turns into empowerment, especially if this girl is a virgin. We don’t know why, but it’s possible she will escape your grasp, and some of you may even be killed by her.
If you are a true slasher killer she cannot kill you. Every good killer knows when they’ve been defeated and has to play possum. This is something we will also cover extensively in our last class before we release you out into the world.
While there are more lessons and training you will pick up along the way, this is the basic outline of what you will experience in eight weeks here at Slasher Camp. You will learn from your instructors, including guest speakers who are veterans of the field, as well as from your fellow classmates. Not everyone is going to survive and may find alternate paths, such as being a henchman or the less remembered but equally important sidekick killer… ok, well, maybe not “equally important” but beloved in their own way. Regardless, Slasher Camp is your once in a lifetime experience to find out if you have the right stuff to become one of the classic killers that will be feared around the campfire or at sleepovers for years to come.
If you’re a camper looking to survive Slasher Camp, read this article here about our program at Camp Slasher, an eight week program just for campers!!