With Maggie being released and Terminator: Genesys (am I the only one that hates illiteracy in movie titles?) soon to be released, it got me thinking, specifically about both film’s main star Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s a stone cold faced one man army, leaving countless bodies behind in a wake of destruction over a number of films and then when the shooting stops, what does he do? He spits out a smirking one liner. One so cornball, but fitting to the situation, you have to stand up, throw your fist in the air and growl a manly “YEA-AHHH!” Well, most of the time. Some of these one liners are so bad that you have to facepalm in shame, as if you are embarrassed for him. The thought that a human being would utter those lines after being presented a perfect setup makes you question where we are as humans.

Then there are the one-liners that fall right in the middle. These are the head scratchers. The ones you aren’t quite sure if it was good, but it wasn’t bad either. These are the cheesy ones we will be taking a look at. I know that I will be over looking quite a few, but these are the ones that stuck with me for good reasons, most specifically they are incredibly, well, silly for a lack of a better word. But I think only one man can prove my point, so take it away, Arnie!

“He caught a train.” – Eraser
When all is said and done in the film, the villain played by James Caan sits in his limo as it stops on railroad tracks. Arnold calls him, mocking, “You’ve just been erased,” as the train smashes into the limo, causing a massive explosion and killing James Caan. Arnold then sits in an escape vehicle with the babe Vanessa Williams as she asks what happened. He replies, “He caught a train,” and drives off, credits roll. What really sells this as a cheesy one-liner, aside from the fact that it is, is the guitar sting right after he says it and the cut to black to credits, like the film is dropping the mic and walking off stage.

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“My body, my choice!” – Junior
This line really didn’t need to be said, but when you are watching a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger giving birth, you really should have seen it coming. It’s one of those slogans that was attached to everything at the time; anti-drug, abstinence, diet, etc. But hearing it from the guy who has mowed down hundreds of thugs with a giant machine gun in one hand really kills the message. You can’t help but laugh.

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“I can hear my talk, I cannot watch it.” – Hercules in New York
Back in 1969 when he was known as Mr. Universe in his first movie role, Arnold starred as the Greek God in a modern day New York, long before the 80’s made a trend of sticking fantasy heroes in present day. All of the dialogue in these films is pretty much the fish out of water character misunderstanding any of the present day lingo or technology. After being warned to watch what he is saying, Hercules simply replies with this quip that is so stupid, but true, you slap your forehead and laugh. That’s like something a grade schooler would come up with as a comeback. But don’t you worry, Arnold. You’ll perfect your one-lining abilities in less than twenty years. I should also note that he fights a bear in this movie.

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“You should not drink and bake.” – Raw Deal
This is something I think goes without saying. A lot of terrible things could happen. For instance, you could forget you turned the stove on, filling your home with gas or you could start a grease fire… or you could hurl a deliciously baked chocolate cake at a nearly seven foot tall, bulked up Austrian man.

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“Hey you wanna be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres!” – Last Action Hero
A line so bad, it’s good, mostly because after it’s said, he kicks a man in the crotch and sends him flying comically into the air. That’s the intention behind Last Action Hero though. It’s a spoof on action movies and casting Arnie only delivers that punch harder. I mean that both figuratively and literally. It’s over the top and goofy and the one-liners are so silly, that’s you can’t help but laugh. The film gets a bad rap, but I enjoy it for what it is. This is probably my favorite line from the film. Even in the context it’s in, it pretty re-goddamn-diculous and then he kicks the guy in the balls. How can you not love it? I think after this movie came out, all the kids at school were saying this right before kicking someone in the junk, but we were left unsatisfied when that kid didn’t fly back a couple dozen feet. Instead we got in trouble. We tended to imitate Arnold a lot, followed by a grounding.

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Hello, cutie pie. One of us is in deep trouble!” – The Running Man
If you couldn’t tell by the progression of the list, things are starting to get really silly. Even for Arnold this line is just… adorable. After he says this, you can’t help but to think “aww” and then get excited because you know Richard Dawson is about to get it. Of course, Richard Dawson says it to Arnold early on in the film, but Arnie returns the line during the climax. You know Dick was just thinking that he shouldn’t have said that to the guy who would be coming back to kill him later on. Definitely not some of the last words you want to hear.

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“Consider that a divorce.” – Total Recall
I’m pretty sure after Total Recall, most people wish this could get divorced this way. What a way to end a bitter marriage. Not that I condone violence, of course. After Arnold discovers that his marriage was a farce and part of the conspiracy against him, rather than toss his wedding ring into a lake or something cliche, he pops Sharon Stone in the head with a 9mm and he says it with that classic Schwarzenegger smirk.

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“Alright, everyone… CHILL!” – Batman & Robin
It’s hard to pick just one cheesy line from Batman & Robin until I got to thinking about it, mostly because they are all stupid. Everything is an ice pun. How clever. It’s hard to believe Arnold went along with dumping himself in that blue paint and goofy costume and then spewing out nothing but ice puns until you realize how much he was paid for that role. Hell, I would have done it. But like I said, picking the least non-stupid line from this movie was a little difficult at first, until I rewatched it (yes, I rewatched it… for research purposes, of course) and this particular line made me chuckle. It’s a little more subtle when you compare it to the rest.

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“Stick around.” – Predator
Everyone remembers this one for “GET TO THE CHOPPA!” Which is cool, but it’s not cheesy. Surely an 80’s action film where Arnold is blowing away bad guys had something to offer us, right? They wouldn’t just plop Arnold in a movie and not let him shout ridiculous one-liners. Luckily they didn’t leave us hanging. When some chump tries to sneak up on him, Arnold quickly throws a knife into the goon’s chest so hard, he sticks to a post and Arnie tells him to “stick around” then runs off to kill more people like he has some quota to fill.

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“Here is Sub-Zero, now… PLAIN-AERO!” – The Running Man
So many Arnold quotes, I could go on forever, but the fat lady has to sing eventually. When it comes to Arnold one-liners, there is only one that ever had me doubling over laughing that I had to rewind it several times to make sure I heard him right (and I did). After killing one of the stalkers whose speciality was ice (which would eventually come back to be a theme in Arnie’s career), he looks into one of the cameras and shouts his crowning achievements in one-lining. I get the feeling that this line was improved. Like before the take, Arnold told the director that he had a great idea for a one-liner, so they rolled and the moment came and he spat it out and… silence. You can just feel the silence that must have befallen over the cast and crew as he stood there smirking, all proud of himself. I mean, look at his face while he delivers that line. Well, I’m proud of you, Arnold. We all are. Thank you for coming back to acting and we are looking forward to more of your cheesy one-liners.

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Honorable Mention: The sensation of lifting. – Pumping Iron
I knew as you were reading this list, you were thinking, “but what about Pumping Iron?” Trust me, I was thinking the same thing, so I wouldn’t leave you hanging. Arnold comparing the sensation of lifting to coming? It deserves its own category. There are certain things people regret saying throughout their life, scripted or not, but this… I get the feeling he’s not ashamed of it. Now just imagine Arnold making his infamous “N’YAHH!” face as he climaxes. Good night, everyone!

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