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People Want to Drink The Juice of Unearthed Black Sarcophagus

by Timothy Rawles

As we all wait with baited breath to see if the opening of a recently discovered black Egyptian sarcophagus will bring with it the end-of-days, there is a petition online to drink the red liquid that’s been stewing around the 2,000-year-old bones inside.

The box was opened on July 19 and instead of excavator’s skin and eyeballs melting away, they found the skeletal remains of three people, probably soldiers, covered in red juice; think Diane Freeling slipping into her unfinished pool at Cuesta Verde, California.


Diane took in mouthfuls of muddy water trying to escape her watery boneyard, which might have inspired the petition-starting Innes McKendrick to mimic a Fear Factor-style challenge with the liquid in the centuries-old find.

McKendrick thinks the power of the liquid can be bottled and served up as a type of cursed Red Bull.

He says in the petition: “We need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die.”

Researchers think the slurry is better left in the sarcophagus rather than down your esophagus, deeming it sewage that somehow leaked into the burial site, but McKendrick isn’t convinced, “please stop trying to tell me the skeleton juice is mostly sewage thats impossible everyone knows skeletons cannot poop,” he wrote in an update to the change.org page which has so far garnered over 5,000 signatures.

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