Although a relatively small percentage of the population stalks and kills babysitters, cannibalizes inadequate orchestra members, or inhabit the body of a child’s doll to carry out their murderous agenda, there’s no denying that we all have a dark side. Horror movies are a safe and less felonious way to tap into that hidden part of ourselves, and occasionally we connect especially with a silver screen serial killer/murderer/cannibal/mama’s boy/what have you. Your particular spirit psycho can speak volumes about you, and since I once stayed awake through one whole community college psychology class, I feel more than qualified to give this analysis a shot.

Michael Myers

You’re a relentless type A personality-almost to a fault. Nothing and no one can hold you back once you’ve set your mind on something, and you refuse to cut corners. To you, the ends always justify the means, and you aren’t afraid to get your hands dirty (very dirty) to finish the job you started. Your slow and steady pace and quiet, focused demeanor may lead many people to underestimate you, but those who don’t take you seriously always pay the price. Family is important to you.

Freddy Krueger

You’re the life of every party, whether you were invited or not! Your quick wit and devil-may-care attitude make you friends very easily, but your lack of tact makes them difficult to keep. You’ve got an inventive mind and a seemingly endless supply of energy. You were also probably the reason your parents couldn’t have nice things.

Hannibal Lecter

Oh, you’re one of those. You like to think you’re a tortured, misunderstood genius, but in reality you’re more hipster than Hannibal. More likely than not, the reason you haven’t found your “intellectual equal” is that your esoteric and overreaching commentary drives most people away almost instantly. Be honest: you own at least two pairs of suspenders, don’t you?

Pinhead

You’re articulate and theatrical, with a flair for the dramatic. You’re gifted artistically, and rarely allow anyone to forget it. People may refer to you as an “old soul.” and you probably end up challenging authority without actually meaning to in many cases. You don’t realize it, but your boss is most likely a little intimidated by you.

Jigsaw

Much like Manson, you have a quality about you that draws people to you. You’re an idealist and a hopeless romantic with the soul of a poet, but you’re actually quite handy in useful ways, too.  You’re charismatic, and can talk nearly anyone into doing anything; but you won’t, because you’re a sweetheart who doesn’t necessarily desire Helter Skelter.

Pennywise

You’re most likely very successful, and if you aren’t, you know you could be. You’re a tremendous liar, and are able to manipulate people and circumstances to suit you. Although you’re very popular, you don’t care for anyone as much as they care for you, and you feel no guilt over that fact. You’re self-absorbed and self-aware, and that’s all good because you’re having a pretty awesome time rocking at life.

Norman Bates

Hmm, Mommy issues, much? I don’t think Norman is anyone’s favorite, but if he is yours, you wouldn’t correct me. You’re very responsible, respectful, and quiet. You prefer not to make waves, and you give fabulous hugs. You lead a rich fantasy life, but that really isn’t appropriate to discuss. You’d rather not go there.

Ghostface

You’re the kid that the other kids’ parents don’t like hanging around. You’re fearless and expect everyone around you to be, as well. Although you’re a blast to hang out with, you can be a stickler for rules and insist on order in most aspects of your life. Sure, you’re not afraid to go run around the bar without pants, but you’re going to make damn sure your pants are in their designated drawer, first.

Chucky

You get annoyed by people very easily. You consider yourself a loner, and people see you as brusque. That doesn’t stop them from bugging you on a daily freakin’ basis, though. You’re perpetually frustrated with the paradox that is your life: everyone wants to be your friend, and you know what you want? None of it.

Buffalo Bill

You consider yourself a free spirit, or earth child, or whatever. In reality, you’re spoiled, and a little annoying. You’re either an only child, or were your parents’ favorite before you got so irritating. You’re oblivious to this, which is ironic because almost nothing matters to you more than what other people think of you. You’re probably upset because this strikes home, but don’t worry. You can always buy yourself something pretty and forget all about it.

Jason Voorhees

Scroll back up, read the snippet under “Michael Myers,” and think of the opposite: that’s you. You start projects and abandon them on a regular basis, and you’re more likely to fall back asleep than go out and make your dreams come true. But that’s fine, you’re cool with it, because your life is basically chaos and that’s just how you like it. The crazier things get, the more centered you feel. Things just tend to work out for you naturally, and if they don’t, there’s usually someone around to fix them for you.

Sam

You’re the sweet, quiet one in your group that never gets any crap, because your friends are a little afraid of you. There’s something in your eyes that matches your nerves of steel, and people notice the electrifying potential lurking just beneath your surface. You aren’t afraid of confrontation or uncomfortable situations, because it never occurred to you that fear was an acceptable feeling.

Baby Firefly

You’ve got flair, you’ve got confidence, and you always get what you want. You do what you want and you don’t care how ridiculous you look, because you are intent on enjoying the ride. You’ve got the world on a string, but you also have a generous nature and a soft spot a mile wide. People hate you ’cause they ain’t you.

The Creeper

People consider you a bit eccentric, but you don’t know that since they’ve never said it to your face. You’re flighty and forgetful, but you have the very best intentions. You care about the environment, have gone green, and once or twice even found yourself helping your neighbors sort their recyclables. In the dark. Without them knowing.

Leatherface

You’re a very outdoorsy sort. You can hold your own hiking, kayaking, surviving on pine cones, and the like. You find technology overrated and as far as you’re concerned, acoustic guitar is the only guitar. You love animals and much approve of the fact that Leatherface’s face is not actually leather, because skinning humans is slightly less barbaric in your eyes.

 

If your favorite villain wasn’t listed here, well, then…you’re a little extra twisted, aren’t you? And of course, if you’re unhappy with your insights, feel free to keep it to yourself, because there are no retractions in my world.