Mhmm, it’s that time of month again: the morning after I’ve gotten into a bar argument with some rando about a battle between two silver screen slashers and use this website as a platform to prove why I’m right.
Last time, we examined two of the darker misters of mayhem in a head to head comparison that took us to some pretty dark places. Psychological torture, deeply depressing back stories, lots o’ blood, and a disturbing insight into a twisted human psyche. This time, we’ve got snowman rape! But hey, it’s festive!
Lubdan (Leprechaun) Vs. Jack Frost (Jack Frost)
Number of victims: >40
Motive: He wants his goddamn gold and/or bride!
Signature: Lubdan’s kills are usually incredibly creative, a little gruesome, and almost always funny. His murders are a lot like what I imagine a fun-loving psychopathic toddler’s would be.[youtube id=”8aaN7uoRDVY” mode=”normal” autoplay=”no”]
Best quote: “Scream as you may, scream as you might; if you try to escape, you’ll be dead on this night!”
Weaknesses: Four leaf clovers and wrought iron
Backstory: Lubdan is a leprechaun, the last of his species. His exact age is unknown as in Leprechaun (1993) he claims to be 600 years old, but in the sequel, Leprechaun 2 (1994), he is 2,000 years old. He followed Daniel O’Grady from Ireland to America after O’Grady smuggled his gold to North Dakota. His attempts to take a bride are routinely thwarted, and his gold is constantly getting jacked, so his hostility is a little understandable.
Sexy factor: He’s got an Irish accent. I don’t know how he isn’t swimming in chicks.
Movies: 6 (not counting the 2014 reboot)
Final thought: Yeah, Lubdan was inevitably defeated in every movie, but he always manages to come back, and he makes his moments count! Few other villains have shown such childlike joy and ingenuity when it comes to their killings, let alone create cheekily morbid rhymes while going about their business. Lubdan is a dude that has his priorities in order.
Status: Presumably alive in some form
Number of victims: ~70 (38 of those were during his spree as a human serial killer prior to the events of the first movie)
Motive: Partly psychopathic tendencies, partly vengeance against Sheriff Tiler
Signature: None in particular, although some murders are a little more “snowman-y” than others[youtube id=”3Pt6aYp9YKE” mode=”normal” autoplay=”no”]
Best quote: “Well it ain’t fucking Frosty!”
Weaknesses: Antifreeze (Jack Frost) and bananas (Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman)
Backstory: Jack Frost is a serial killer who evaded capture for five years, killing 38 people across five states, until being brought to justice be Sheriff Sam Tiler. Frost is on his way to his execution on a snowy night when the transportation vehicle collides with a tanker carrying genetic material, and serial killer Jack Frost becomes Jack Frost: Killer Snowman, who begins to rain down carnage on Snowmonton, home of Sheriff Tiler.
Sexy factor: Most of the VHS covers were misleading, depending on the angle you looked at it. The holographic style depicted a friendly, happy snowman until you caught the right tilt–and then a murderous, freaky ass snowman took its place. It was mesmerizing and terrible and awesome and you just can’t look away from Jack Frost.
Final thought: Jack Frost was as murderous in life as he was in death, and that’s someone you really don’t want to mess around with. Particularly when he proves to be just as deadly a snowman in the tropics as he was in Snowmonton. Jack is a bad man with some deep anger issues, obviously, and a hard time letting go.
Although Frost is a dark, depraved individual, at the end of the day he’s human (albeit a genetically modified one) and he’s letting his emotions run the show. Let it go, dude, what did you expect? You murder that many people, the law is gonna come looking for you. Lubdan is a little less in physical stature, of course, but he beats Frost on nearly every level as he’s immortal (and he came that way!), he manages to have a really good time murdering people, and he’s not afraid to be straight up about what really matters: his gold.
“The path to power is often soiled with innocent blood, and I will let nothing stop me from becoming king. I’ll have power and glory, and a beautiful queen to share it with. Share… Now there’s a word that lies crooked upon me. The very sound of it sends my teeth to grate and conjures up pictures of me gold being carted off to pay for feminine pleasures, leaving me with less than what I want, and what I want is everything. I’ll wed her, bed her and bury her all in the same day. I wonder if her father will pay for the wedding and the funeral?”
Those are the words of a winner.