Easter is a beautiful time of year, signaling the beginning of spring and an end to the long dark winter. Days filled with extra sunshine, birds chirping, flowers blooming, and the dreaded arrival of the Easter Bunny.
Like many of you, I was introduced to the thought of a Rabbit delivering me some yummy candy at a very young age. Do you remember your very first visit to get an awkward mall photo with the Easter Bunny? Did you run up for a hug, or were you dragged to his lap, kicking and screaming?
Some of us were blessed with cute fluffy bunnies with rosy cheeks and a welcoming smile. Others had the unfortunate luck of being greeted by something similar to the monstrosity below.
I believe most people my age have a picture of themselves sitting on the lap of a horrifying creature like this. How our parents, or anyone in their right mind, would have thought this would be a good idea is beyond me. Imagine being little and staring up at a 6’ rabbit with giant hands, creepy eyes and sharp teeth!!!!
That won’t scar a kid for life at all.
Take another peek at the image above. Do you see it? Look closer (No, not at the pants, people. Look at the Rabbit).
See the big black sockets where the eyes should be. This is the portal to hell from which the Easter Bunny came. If you stare long enough you will be transported there, never to be seen again.
I taught my children early on to maintain minimal eye contact for their own protection. If only they had listened. God, I still miss little Timmy.
Lucky for us, kids can sense evil. That is why screams of terror can be heard resonating throughout every shopping mall in America this month.
You see, kids don’t actually want to see the Easter Bunny. Their parents want them to see the Easter Bunny. Children are smart enough to not trade their soul in exchange for some jelly beans.
Seriously, who eats that crap anyways? Plus, lets try not to think of where those eggs actually come from. It’s not like the Easter Bunny has a magic sack like Santa. You know there is only one logical place they can come from, right?
Just to be sure of my theory, I took a quick survey at my local preschool. The general consensus was that kids are getting “sick of our shit” with the whole “Let’s go see the Easter Bunny” thing.
The children all swore that there would be retaliation in the form of a “special gift in our Huggies” for any parent forcing them to visit the bunny this year. I am serious people; listen to your little bundles of joy! Don’t you know the children are our future?
(Disclaimer: There was no actual survey; it was a preschool for Christ’s sake. I just love making stuff up. I can say, however, the teacher did not seem to like me at all. She kept saying stuff like “get out of here before I call the cops” and that “I am no longer permitted back in the school”. Then she was going on about how I was a “terrible person for frightening the small children”. I personally think she was overreacting.)
Please parents, take this article as a public service. Do not subject your beautiful spawn to the dead-behind-the-eyes, razor-sharp teeth-having, child-devouring Easter Bunny. I am honestly surprised we don’t see colony of them driving around in white vans telling the kids they have candy and puppies.
Easter Bunnies are just fluffy balls of concentrated evil.
So please, make sure to get the kids some good candy this year. No more of this Peeps and Jelly Bean bullshit. Like, the good chocolate that you eat in the bathroom or closet while hiding from your kids so you don’t have to share.
(Fun Fact: A group of rabbits is called a colony or nest. There you go, getting a little free education from yours truly. You’re welcome.)
Did your kids love or hate the Easter Bunny? Did the bunny ever give you a bit of the creeps? Tell us in the comments below. While you are at it, let us know what candy you are hoping to find in your basket this year!
From the whole iHorror family, Happy Easter to you and yours!
Want to learn about the scariest Easter Bunny of all? Click Here for the pure nightmare fuel that is the Jesus Bunny from Holidays!