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How to Celebrate Twelve Days of The ‘Burbs

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Our entire lives we’ve had the spirit of Christmas shoved down our collective gullet. Whether it’s Burl Ives and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or the holiday stylings of Nat King Cole, it’s always about candy canes and trees and bunker-bustering our finances to make this the greatest Christmas ever!

Well, it’s time to draw a line in the snow, folks. Festivus was onto something, and we shan’t let it die like Phoebe Cates’ pops in the chimney from The Gremlins. Too soon…?

Forget idealistic nonsense like the Twelve Days of Christmas, make it legitimately fun. And a little creepy and weird. Which, if you’re reading this, I’m sure you are already at peace with.

How ’bout the Twelve Days of The ‘Burbs? Why the hell not? Dick Miller, who portrayed the garbage man who wanted to lay his hands on Roselli Plumbing at the local bowling alley was born on Christmas Day in the year of our Lord Nineteen-hundred and twenty-eight. So by not celebrating The ‘Burbs, we’re basically telling one of the greatest character actors who ever walked the planet that we despise him.

Rick Doccumon, Corey Feldman, Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Robert Picardo and Dick Miller in The 'Burbs

Rick Doccumon, Corey Feldman, Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Robert Picardo and Dick Miller in The ‘Burbs

Not only do we not despise Dick Miller, we won’t tolerate any nogged-up disparagement, either. So hop in the sleigh. It’s happening.

Beginning Saturday, the countdown will sit at twelve, indicating that it’s time to shove off. Let me walk you through it…

1st Day of ‘The Burbs: Roll The ‘Burbs at breakfast and do your very best to out-eat Rick Duccomun. You’ll either throw up or pass out, but either way, you have a story to tell for the rest of the holiday season. For you rules sticklers out there — pineapple optional.

Carrie Fisher, Rick Duccomun and Tom Hanks in The 'Burbs

Carrie Fisher, Rick Duccomun and Tom Hanks in The ‘Burbs

2nd Day of the The ‘Burbs: Tell the wife (or special lady friend) that you want to cuddle up and watch a movie. What woman would pass up such an invitation? Then you loop all the scenes with Carrie Fisher, not as Carol Peterson, but Princess Leia in that skimpy swimsuit from Return of the Jedi until she either gets the hint and blows your Death Star or she walks out of the room saying she refuses until you resemble the man that she married. Remember to wait two beats, then offer “We don’t have that kind of time.”

3rd Day of The ‘Burbs: Offer to take your grandparents out for a nice meal followed by some last-minute Christmas shopping. Wander off to give them some time to sift through potential stocking stuffers, wait until they’re in an aisle with a store employee, then stalk up behind them and without grabbing their attention, simply scold “Do you want to take that out of your pocket? Do you wanna NOT steal that from this store?” Walk away. Don’t forget to mumble “It’s a shit store, anyway.”

4th Day of The ‘Burbs: Anyone who doesn’t have a soft spot for Corey Feldman has never had a shred of affinity for ’80s cinema. I mean, The Goonies, Stand By Me, of course Ricky Butler from The ‘Burbs, but also the most famous Tommy Jarvis turn in the Friday the 13th saga. Turn down the lights, let The Final Chapter fly and hope that your drunk uncle doesn’t shave his head and bludgeon your aunt as he spouts “Die!”

5th Day of The ‘Burbs: Not gonna lie to you, this one will be uneventful, but much like your child-like belief in Santa Claus, have faith that it will have a distinct payoff in the morrow. Simply load up the trunk of your car with a trash bag filled with as many sacks of potatoes it can withstand without rupturing. Ease on up to the end of the driveway. Hulk it over to the bin, take a sketchy look around the neighborhood, then bang the hell out of with a stick. Back into the garage.

Courtney Gains in The 'Burbs

Courtney Gains in The ‘Burbs

6th Day of The ‘Burbs: To be fair, the 5th Day set the table for the halfway point, but you gotta take your balls out of your wife’s purse on this one. This day may not be for all of you, but if you’re a die hard, I’m guessing you’ll appreciate it. Wait for the garbage truck to show, then burst forth from your home in flip-flops and half-shaved rocking only a camouflage bath robe and a pair of boxers from the Bill Clinton collection. Energetically ask whether they’ve found a bag in there that’s heavy and a little moist. I can’t promise you’ll avoid a conversation with a cop or licensed therapist, but at the end of the day, you’ll look back with pride knowing you done that for you.

7th Day of The ‘Burbs: Take the kids to the local sled hill, but make a pit stop at Radio Shack along the way. Scoop up a pair of walkie-talkies but before the rug rats sprint out of the car, turn back to them and in no uncertain terms let the tikes know that if any of them jump the gun on the “Red rover, red rover, let Mikey go on over” even once, Christmas is cancelled.

Bruce Dern in The 'Burbs

Bruce Dern in The ‘Burbs

8th Day of The ‘Burbs: Invite yourself over for a nice, neighborly chat with some folks you have hardly spoken to. Be sure to take a plate of brownies — whether you drop them on the way or add some zest by making them magic disco brownies is your call. Godspeed. You cannot leave, though, until you have not only said, but organically worked into the conversation “These old houses gotta be hell to heat, huh?” Then be sure to leave a note on the coffee table that reads “I have your dog.”

9th Day of The ‘Burbs: To ensure those few words exchanged with your neighbors remain the only ones ever uttered, and that they’ll probably scurry into the house whenever they see you come outside, follow this next simple but effective step. Get a few of your friends together for some caroling. Now, these shouldn’t be pals of the upstanding variety. Nay, think more raucous collegiate friends. The kind who have no problem telling people they just met that you scrapbook. Trust me, they’re ideal. Grab some blank pieces of paper to serve as sheet music, then go door-to-door belting out…

[youtube id=”57Z2SxEuuQ0″ align=”center” mode=”normal” autoplay=”no” parameters=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57Z2SxEuuQ0″]

10th Day of The ‘Burbs: Before the fam pours into the house for the home stretch, invite some of your closest (and more upstanding) friends over for some champagne and conversation. The key though is to have just two hors d’oeuvres — a bowl of pretzels and a tin of sardines. Dill, mustard or olive oil — your call. Personally, I’d go mustard, but like I stated earlier, this is your Twelve Days of The ‘Burbs. Follow your heart. Once you’ve set the mood, make your way around the room with a straight face and waving the tin just below their noses to offer a hint of aroma, offering — “Sari-deen?”

Tom Hanks and Brother Theodore snacking in The 'Burbs

Tom Hanks and Brother Theodore snacking in The ‘Burbs

11th Day of The ‘Burbs: If you’ve made it this far, you’ve likely wrapped up your holiday shopping, the family is all together and nothing could but a damper on the warm fuzzies of Christmas Eve. But you’ve got to be able to say you tried. Sit down for breakfast and ask your sibling of choice to toss you the newspaper. Intentionally let it drill you in the sternum so you can launch the Sanka from your coffee mug across the table. Shots fired, yes, but think of how much more everyone will appreciate kith and kin after the bleeding has stopped.

12th Day of The ‘Burbs: This may take a bit of time, but by now, you’re likely looking for a way to duck out on the festivities. Just keep your orbs peeled for the first am-dram elfing his way out to the car for that evening’s local theatre Christmas performance. Open your front door, shout “Hey Pinocchio, where are YOU goin’?!” Once you can say you peered into his soul and saw dread, engage in a dead sprint, then lay waste like you were eighteen months in the bush.

So have we convinced you to abandon the antiquated, and frankly, cliché Twelve Days of Christmas for a near fortnight of ‘Burbs shenanigans?

If so, pull up Joe Dante’s cult classic on Netflix’s Instant Watch and celebrate Dick Miller’s upcoming 86th birthday in style.

Besides, I want you to keep an eye on the neighborhood for me.

Hanks

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‘Strange Darling’ Featuring Kyle Gallner and Willa Fitzgerald Lands Nationwide Release [Watch Clip]

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Strange Darling Kyle Gallner

‘Strange Darling,’ a standout film featuring Kyle Gallner, who is nominated for an iHorror award for his performance in ‘The Passenger,’ and Willa Fitzgerald, has been acquired for a wide theatrical release in the United States by Magenta Light Studios, a new enterprise from veteran producer Bob Yari. This announcement, brought to us by Variety, follows the film’s successful premiere at Fantastic Fest in 2023, where it was universally praised for its creative storytelling and compelling performances, achieving a perfect score of 100% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes from 14 reviews.

Strange Darling – Movie Clip

Directed by JT Mollner, ‘Strange Darling‘ is a thrilling narrative of a spontaneous hookup that takes an unexpected and terrifying turn. The film is notable for its innovative narrative structure and the exceptional acting of its leads. Mollner, known for his 2016 Sundance entry “Outlaws and Angels,” has once again employed 35mm for this project, cementing his reputation as a filmmaker with a distinct visual and narrative style. He is currently involved in adapting Stephen King’s novel “The Long Walk” in collaboration with director Francis Lawrence.

Bob Yari expressed his enthusiasm for the film’s upcoming release, scheduled for August 23rd, highlighting the unique qualities that make ‘Strange Darling’ a significant addition to the horror genre. “We are thrilled to be bringing nationwide theatrical audiences this unique and exceptional film with terrific performances by Willa Fitzgerald and Kyle Gallner. This second feature from talented writer-director JT Mollner is destined to become a cult classic that defies conventional storytelling,” Yari told Variety.

Variety’s review of the film from Fantastic Fest lauds Mollner’s approach, saying, “Mollner shows himself to be more forward-thinking than most of his genre peers. He’s clearly a student of the game, one who studied his forebears’ lessons with adroitness to better prepare himself to put his own mark on them.” This praise underlines Mollner’s deliberate and thoughtful engagement with the genre, promising audiences a film that is both reflective and innovative.

Strange Darling

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Sydney Sweeney’s ‘Barbarella’ Revival Forges Ahead

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Sydney Sweeney Barbarella

Sydney Sweeney has confirmed the ongoing progress of the much-anticipated reboot of Barbarella. The project, which sees Sweeney not only starring but also executive producing, aims to breathe new life into the iconic character that first captured audiences’ imaginations in the 1960s. However, amid speculation, Sweeney remains tight-lipped about the possible involvement of celebrated director Edgar Wright in the project.

During her appearance on the Happy Sad Confused podcast, Sweeney shared her enthusiasm for the project and the character of Barbarella, stating, “It is. I mean, Barbarella is just such a fun character to explore. She really just embraces her femininity and her sexuality, and I love that. She uses sex as a weapon and I think it’s such an interesting way into a sci-fi world. I’ve always wanted to do sci-fi. So we’ll see what happens.“

Sydney Sweeney confirms her Barbarella reboot is still in the works

Barbarella, originally a creation of Jean-Claude Forest for V Magazine in 1962, was transformed into a cinematic icon by Jane Fonda under the direction of Roger Vardim in 1968. Despite a sequel, Barbarella Goes Down, never seeing the light of day, the character has remained a symbol of sci-fi allure and adventurous spirit.

Over the decades, several high-profile names including Rose McGowan, Halle Berry, and Kate Beckinsale were floated as potential leads for a reboot, with directors Robert Rodriguez and Robert Luketic, and writers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade previously attached to revive the franchise. Unfortunately, none of these iterations made it past the conceptual stage.

Barbarella

The film’s progress took a promising turn approximately eighteen months ago when Sony Pictures announced its decision to cast Sydney Sweeney in the titular role, a move that Sweeney herself has suggested was facilitated by her involvement in Madame Web, also under Sony’s banner. This strategic decision was aimed at fostering a beneficial relationship with the studio, specifically with the Barbarella reboot in mind.

When probed about Edgar Wright’s potential directorial role, Sweeney adeptly sidestepped, merely noting that Wright has become an acquaintance. This has left fans and industry watchers speculating about the extent of his involvement, if any, in the project.

Barbarella is known for its adventurous tales of a young woman traversing the galaxy, engaging in escapades that often incorporate elements of sexuality—a theme Sweeney seems eager to explore. Her commitment to reimagining Barbarella for a new generation, while staying true to the character’s original essence, sounds like the making of a great reboot.

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‘The First Omen’ Almost Received an NC-17 Rating

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the first omen trailer

Set for an April 5 theater release, ‘The First Omen’ carries an R-rating, a classification that was almost not achieved. Arkasha Stevenson, in her inaugural feature film directorial role, faced a formidable challenge in securing this rating for the prequel to the esteemed franchise. It seems the filmmakers had to contend with the ratings board to prevent the film from being saddled with an NC-17 rating. In a revealing conversation with Fangoria, Stevenson described the ordeal as ‘a long battle’, one not waged over traditional concerns such as gore. Instead, the crux of the controversy centered around the depiction of the female anatomy.

Stevenson’s vision for “The First Omen” delves deep into the theme of dehumanization, particularly through the lens of forced birthing. “The horror in that situation is how dehumanized that woman is”, Stevenson explains, emphasizing the significance of presenting the female body in a non-sexualized light to address themes of forced reproduction authentically. This commitment to realism nearly landed the film an NC-17 rating, sparking a prolonged negotiation with the MPA. “This has been my life for a year and a half, fighting for the shot. It’s the theme of our film. It’s the female body being violated from the inside outwards”, she states, highlighting the importance of the scene to the film’s core message.

The First Omen Movie Poster – by Creepy Duck Design

Producers David Goyer and Keith Levine supported Stevenson’s battle, encountering what they perceived as a double standard in the ratings process. Levine reveals, “We had to go back and forth with the ratings board five times. Weirdly, avoiding the NC-17 made it more intense”, pointing out how the struggle with the ratings board inadvertently intensified the final product. Goyer adds, “There is more permissiveness when dealing with male protagonists, particularly in body horror”, suggesting a gender bias in how body horror is evaluated.

The film’s bold approach to challenging viewers’ perceptions extends beyond the ratings controversy. Co-writer Tim Smith notes the intention to subvert expectations traditionally associated with The Omen franchise, aiming to surprise audiences with a fresh narrative focus. “One of the big things we were excited to do was to kind of pull the rug out from under people’s expectations”, Smith says, underscoring the creative team’s desire to explore new thematic ground.

Nell Tiger Free, known for her role in “Servant”, leads the cast of “The First Omen”, set for release by 20th Century Studios on April 5. The movie follows a young American woman dispatched to Rome for church service, where she stumbles upon a sinister force that shakes her faith to its core and reveals a chilling plot aimed at summoning evil incarnate.

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