Ah, Valentine’s Day. While many couples celebrate this Hallmark holiday with a romantic dinner or an exchange of short-lived gifts (how long do flowers and chocolate really last, anyways?), others will satisfy their carnal cravings with some good ol’ fashioned thrills. Now, before your mind goes too deep in the gutter, I’m obviously talking about a marathon of horror movies here.
There’s something deeply romantic about the splatter of blood and spirited fury of a good horror movie. Whether you’re rooting for the heroes to survive (and thrive!) or for the maniacs to get the job done (decapitation!), you can count on horror to get your blood pumping.
So this Valentine’s Day, I want to take a look at some killer movie couples who make the most of their shared passion. They keep the romance alive by taking the lives of others. Yes, these deadly duos make for some rather extreme relationship goals.
Heathers provided the foundation for my swooning crush on Christian Slater, and I will be forever grateful. I will also be forever jaded because of the unrealistic relationship expectations that developed. What brooding teenager didn’t want a love like JD and Veronica’s?
Like most teenage romances (I assume), their love blooms from a mutual hatred of the obnoxious and popular cliques that stalk the hallways of their high school. Veronica (Winona Ryder) was initially part of the “cool” crowd, but their generally shitty behavior turned her off from their friendship. Enter Jason “JD” Dean (Christian Slater), the new boy in town with a saucy sardonic streak and a real knack for murder.
Their partnership shows that they know how to recognize and support each other’s strengths. For Veronica, it’s her knowledge of the student body and skill at forging their handwriting. For JD, it’s creative murder disguised as suicide. Such a perfect pair!
Bride of Chucky (1998)
Chucky and Tiffany are the killer couple. Any time horror lovers are mentioned, it’s pretty well guaranteed their names will be on the list.
Both accomplished killers in their own right, when these two are together they’re damn near unstoppable. Like, spread-out-over-several-films unstoppable. Chucky and Tiffany share a passion that’s unrivaled.
But let’s not forget that they each have their own deadly flair. Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly) is all about the creative and innovate kills – she’s the Martha Stewart of murder. Chucky (Brad Dourif) is retro-classic, favoring the quintessential simplicity of a good stabbing.
That being said, it’s important to note that they learn from each other. They constantly push each other to do more – to move outside of their killing comfort zone and grow as (truly psychotic) individuals. There’s a healthy ambition in their deeply unhealthy relationship.
The People Under The Stairs (1991)
Apparently the best way to make a marriage last is by imposing very strict rules on all visitors and children in your household. At least, that’s what we learn in The People Under The Stairs. I guess a lot of murder helps, too? Also, make sure your dog is highly trained. Secrets to success.
Mommy (Wendy Robie) and Daddy (Everett McGill) rule their home with an iron (and leather) fist. When you’re running such a stringent household, it’s easy to let small disagreements add up and crumble your efforts. But they’re all about teamwork – trusting and supporting one another through their violent efforts.
Even with the whole town against them, Mommy and Daddy present a united front. They’re quite the power-couple.
Natural Born Killers (1994)
It may be a stretch to call Natural Born Killers a horror movie, but I’ll be damned if Mickey and Mallory haven’t earned their place on this list.
These crazy kids love mass murder about as much as they love each other – which is to say they love it a whole damn lot. Their troubled pasts brought them together and formed an inseparable bond, bound by their deadly delights.
Despite their trials and tribulations (not to mention their prison time), Mickey (Woody Harrelson) and Mallory (Juliette Lewis) stuck through it all. As a prime example of “your crazy matches my crazy”, these two are ride-or-die royalty.
Hounds of Love (2016)
Evelyn and John have a complicated relationship. That’s the “putting it mildly” summary of Hounds of Love, an Australian film that follows a young girl’s abduction and abuse at the hands of one malicious couple.
John (Stephen Curry) and Evelyn (Emma Booth) are entwined in an intense and unhealthy game of manipulation that runs through the veins of their relationship. They share a twisted jealousy and practiced obsession that keeps them tied together with rapt devotion.
As we learn through the film, their passion is fueled by the regularly-occurring torture and murder of young girls. I guess they didn’t try couples counseling?
Sightseers is a delightful little gem of a dark comedy that shows how quick and easy it can be to find a new passion in life. It just so happens that – for Chris and Tina – their newfound passion is murder.
The lovers traverse the quaint and quirky sights of England in a caravan, encountering some frustratingly pretentious and disgustingly rude strangers along the way. Chris (Steve Oram, A Dark Song) and Tina (Alice Lowe, Prevenge) are living their best lives, disposing of whoever aggravates them along their sightseeing journey.
If you’ve ever been annoyed by the actions of a stranger, this movie should be oddly gratifying. Chris and Tina are a perfect match because of their perception of what is unforgivable behavior – and how they choose to deal with it.
The Loved Ones (2009)
The Loved Ones may have one of horror’s more… unconventional couples, but there’s a lot of love between the killer ‘Princess’ and her beloved Daddy.
Part of what makes The Loved Ones such a fascinating and unsettling film is the relationship dynamics between the two. Daddy (John Brumpton) would do anything for his little girl, and Lola (Robin McLeavy) is all too pleased to receive the attention. Their scenes drip with a very uncomfortable tension.
Lola has a voracious need to be loved, and her father feeds this appetite by bending to her every whim. As though he were picking up a new toy (and, essentially, he is), Daddy finds the latest plaything on Lola’s list and drags him home to grant her wildest wishes.
The small peek we have into their home life makes you wonder which came first. Was it her jealous and violent impulses, or his thorough understanding of how to kidnap and torture? Either way, they are a productive pair.
Who are your favorite star-crossed lovers? Tell us in the comments below!
For more on Valentine’s Day, check out our Late to the Party review of My Bloody Valentine!