We have all been there, sitting watching a movie like 28 Days Later (2002) and thinking to ourselves “I would totally survive this! I’d be the bad-ass leader of a group of survivors with a sword, and machine gun, and chainsaw arm who would fight off the hordes of zombies/vampires/giant killer rabbits”, but fact of the matter is, 95% of us are dying in horror movies.
The apocalypse comes and zombies rise? Yeah, almost all of us are:
A) now zombies, and hopefully not one of those poor zombies that was bitten in the shower or in a weird costume that the survivors make fun of us for (admit it, you do not want to be the sausage mascot zombie) or,
B) eaten by zombies to the point that there is no chance that we came back, and if we did, we are that zombie head in a cooler from Dawn of the Dead (2004).
However, all hope is not lost, I have a list of 10 horror movies that I believe the bulk of us would survive with our abundant horror movie knowledge and just out-and-out common sense, because really, there are a lot of idiots in horror movies who just do not think things through.
Here are the first 5 films that you would totally survive (and be warned, some light spoilers will follow):
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988):
We will start off with an easy one: Killer Klowns. Now, the reason I believe that most of us would survive Killer Klowns from Outer Space is that a situation like this would only be able to happen in a small town. See carnivals and circuses, when they come to bigger metropolitan centers, are restricted to very specific areas and are scheduled months in advance so as not to conflict with professional hockey games and One Direction concerts. The Killer Klowns need somewhere to park their tent where it could at least feasibly be set up in secret (or by Halley’s Comet, ancient omen of an impending circus), and therefore would never be able to land in a major city without being lit ablaze by city authorities for their lack of permits. Thus, city-folk are safe.
Now if you do live in a small town, I would imagine that most of you would know the signs of a real circus (other people, carnies, trucks to bring the circus in, advertising), but failing all of that, there is the one fail safe way to protect ourselves from Killer Klowns: the “that’s a person” test.
Which one of these clowns is not going to cocoon you in cotton candy to suck your insides out of you with a straw?
That’s right! Unless you’re a Hutt from Star Wars, you have just avoided being eaten by a Killer Klown.
The Amityville Horror (1979):
You’re going to survive this regardless, because nothing really happens that will kill you. The house might steal your money, or you could get squealed at by evil, but you will survive. You could have some concerns about a family member going crazy and killing you in your sleep, but maybe that is a problem you should solve before moving?
I suppose there are few tips for living in a new home that you could follow….like don’t drink black bubbling stuff that comes out of your plumbing (it is probably bad for you), if the house bleeds when you nail things into it, use something that does not require a hole to hang pictures with, and if you, your husband, or your father starts to ignore his work in order to wear sweatpants and chop wood for weeks on end, consider getting a gas fireplace.
Do you not like that the house was built on something scary and the priest you had over to bless the place was run out by terrifying out of season flies?
Move. In this economy, you can find another house. Seriously. Just move if the house bothers you; maybe the house will like the next family.
Just do not take a lamp with you, for it may also be evil.
Don’t you get it? YOU are the monster. Adam (the Monster) was just trying to be nice, and he really likes fiddle music. Fiddle music is awesome; WE are the problem here. Essentially, unless you are dying of embarrassment for being a jerk, you will live; we just have to be more accepting of giant grey/green guys who cannot speak eloquently.
One of us should commit to putting the torch down and making Adam some purple pants. THAT would have solved everything.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (Any):
All you need to do right now is get in touch with your parents and ask them “were you ever involved in lynching and/or burning a guy in a sweater?” Trusting that they said no, and you believe they are telling the truth (which at this point, they might as well), you are fine.
On the off chance that they answered “yes”, you should have this follow up question ready: “how long ago did you lynch and/or burn a guy in a sweater?” My guess is it has been so long since the murdering that you no longer should have anything to worry about. If they tell you it was pretty recent and you have not noticed anything yet, chances are the man that they lynched is not coming back to get you: he is most likely coming back to get your parents so, again, you are fine.
Therefore, the only thing you may have to concern yourself with is some sort of proximity death from someone who is being hunted by Freddy Krueger, but this is where our horror movie common sense should kick in:
Suppose you have four friends who are sitting and discussing how they are having the same nightmares, and your fifth friend in common has died in her sleep, so the remaining four are planning a sleepover to stay awake and protect each other, and they want your help.
Do not go, you will be of no real use to them, and that is going to be a terrible sleepover. There will not even be pizza bagels. I know, right?
Here are a few effective excuses:
1) I have to wash my hair
2) I have too much work to do at home on my stamp collection
3) I’m grounded for collecting pigs’ blood for the senior prank and keeping it in the fridge next to the pizza sauce
4) I have to take my little sister to the circus that just appeared out of town. Didn’t you guys see Halley’s Comet? I love whack-a-mole!
Drag Me to Hell (2009):
Putting aside the fact that most of us are not loan officers (the most dangerous of professions; I cannot wait for the Discovery series), and thus would not have this curse put on you, let us, for the sake of argument, say that you have the opportunity to run afoul of a nice gypsy lady in order to further your own career. Do not do it.
I wouldn’t. Would you? Exactly. What is the point, even if you do not believe in curses and things, in causing harm to an old lady? How about we take a second and look at a rational way to handle the situation our protagonist found herself in in Drag Me to Hell:
Boss: You want that promotion? Cut that
gypsy witch senior citizen’s loan extension so she loses her home.
You: Couldn’t I just deny an extension on my next appointment? That guy with the car detailing shop that is never going to work anyway because there are already fifteen car detailing places in town and how many people get their cars detailed?
Gypsy witch old lady or you’re fired.
You: ((to the old lady) I’m sorry, I cannot extend your loan again, no matter how much you beg.
Lady: I’ll put a curse on you! You will be tormented for days-
You: You know what, how about until the end of the month?
Lady: Thank you.
Boss: You did what? You’re fired!
You: Fine. Enjoy hell.
And then you walk out of the bank that does not see the danger in angering gypsies and witches, and you go have pancakes. Maybe later that month, you hear that your old boss has disappeared and his house is covered in scorch marks, but you can just shrug as you get to your next interview to be a loan officer at the new, friendly bank across the street.
Well, there are the first five horror movies that you would probably survive. Let me know what you think about having an evil lamp, or how you feel you would deal with any of these five situations in the comments below, and join me again next Monday (July 28th, 2014) for the second 5 Horror movies you would totally survive.