School is finally out and you’re about to begin summer camp next week. Are you excited? Another glorious eight weeks crammed into a small, smelly cabin with seven other boys or girls from all walks of life. I’m sure there will be the Goth, the jock, your busty camp slut, the stoner, and of course the virgin. Which one are you? You better figure it out before you go because it will determine what you will need to pack.
Bug spray, check. Sun block, check. Sleeping bag, check. Cross bow, ….? What? You didn’t remember to pack your trusty cross bow? Did I not mention this is no ordinary camp? This is Camp Slasher!
Everything you have learned from every horror movie that has ever taken place at a camp, from Friday the 13th and Sleepaway Camp to Cheerleader Camp and The Burning should have taught you how to survive your summer, or at least give you a fighting chance. If you didn’t take notes it’s a good thing I’m here, your camp slasher expert, to tell you exactly what you need to pack to better your odds.
The Camp Goth
If you’re the camp Goth you have more resources at your disposal than you may realize. Those cans of Aqua Net to obtain your Cure inspired hair-do and your trusty lighter to smoke your favorite Cloves will be your best friends. Instant blow torch! When you find yourself in close quarters with a masked killer flick that lighter and light up the bastard! It may not kill him, but if you aim for the face and eyes it will put a good four feet between you and him, giving you ample time to find an exit and run!
The downside; your fashionable six inch platform boots and bondage pants from Hot Topic are going to restrict your movement. Chances are pretty high that you will trip over yourself, making that lead time you just bought useless as you catch an axe to the back. My advice to you is to leave the strappy pants and chunky boots at home and go for something a little more practical. How about black shorts with fishnets and some kick ass military boots? Your Goth image will still be intact, but these choices in wardrobe will be much more functional for your escape.
The Camp Jock
Your parents have shipped you off to summer camp to participate in the sports teams and keep those muscles in tune instead of letting them atrophy over the summer months as you attend keggers and play video games. They’re no dummies, they don’t want to pay for your college tuition if you have any chance of getting that baseball scholarship. Well lucky you, you have perhaps one of the biggest advantages of any of your bunk mates; your strength! Unlike Shelley Duvall in The Shining, your ability to swing a bat and actually hit what you’re aiming at allows you to incapacitate the killer pursuing you. If you get him on the ground and continue wailing on him, or can get his weapon away from his grasp and use it against, him you may even have the opportunity to kill the villain and save the day!
Unfortunately your downfall will be your stupidity. I hate to say it sweetie, but you’re as dumb as a bag of jockstraps. You’ve killed so many of your brain cells doing beer funnels and keg stands at parties with your teammates that you literally walk into danger when you hear a strange noise. Take it from me, when the “ch ch ch, ah ah ahs” drop, pick up the nearest bludgeoning object and start swinging. My advice to you is to pack your favorite baseball bat and your most comfortable track shoes so if you do knock the killer out you have the chance to high tail it out of there.
The Camp Slut
Oh my friend, you might as well throw yourself on the blade of the killer as soon as you see him. I don’t know if any advice I can give you as far as what to pack will increase your odds of making it the first week, let alone the entire summer. Being a slut is just in your genes, and it makes you the easiest prey out there. But regardless, I’ll try to give you a fighting chance.
(Disclaimer: Men can be sluts too!)
Your downfall is your attraction to, well, everyone. Boys, girls, campers, counselors, they’re all fair game to you. If the killer had a sex drive I’m sure he’d be on your list too. My advice to you is sensible shoes and no miniskirts. If the only “sensible” clothing you have in your drawers are booty shorts, well, it’s better than sundresses and platform strappy sandals. No doubt you have acrylic nails, so when it gets right down to it and the killer has you within arm’s reach go for the eyes. Yes, it’s going to be squishy and gross, but it’s your only chance when he has you against the wall and is choking the life out of you.
The Camp Stoner
I’m afraid to say you are in the same boat as the Camp Slut. You might want to team up and work together. Your inherent nature to light up every chance you get, which is pretty much all of the time, puts you in the perpetual stupor of bliss and unawareness. You might as well have a “Kill Me” sign on your back, but there’s really no need since the killer can smell the pot radiating off of you a mile away.
I’m not even sure you’re going to be aware enough to listen to the advice I give you let alone retain it, but at least I know I’ve tried, so when you die my conscience will be clean. Since telling you not to smoke is fruitless your best bet is getting the killer high with you through a second hand high, this will disorientate him enough for you to get away. But you’ll probably just nod off instead.
The Camp Virgin
You’ve been attending camp for years, but this is your first time at Camp Slasher because daddy just relocated you from the Valley to the inner city because he wants to make a difference at the local hospital as an ER doc at the understaffed and underpaid local hospital. But that’s ok with you, because you are hoping to apply for camp counselor next year after you complete your last year as a camper and help those “less fortunate,” which this camp seems to have a lot of. What an opportunity and resume builder! Your biggest advantage is your level headed, instilled by your intact family and upper middle class upbringing no doubt. You don’t let the temptations of sex, alcohol, or drugs get in your way, because those things are wrong and you don’t participate in them.
(Disclaimer: While Alice did eventually meet her demise in Part 2, that was at home. Not camp. I said I’d help you survive camp.)
Your weakness will be your big heart to help your fellow campers. Once the killer realizes you wear your heart on your sleeve he will use your bunkie as bait to draw you out into the open, and it will be curtains for you both. My advice to you is to toughen up. People die at Camp Slasher, that’s just how it is. You can’t save them all. In addition, take some kickboxing classes before you check into your cabin and realize it’s everyone for themselves. You aren’t the strongest camper, but you do have more brains than most of your fellow cabin mates, so use your head and always be aware of your nearest weapon as well as exit. As long as you keep your wits about you something tells me you will survive Camp Slasher.
Not attending camp this summer? No problem! Enjoy these camp based horror movies!